Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Eating Disorder is not a new issue but yet, I feel like there's not enough conversation about it. Personally, I've never experience it, although there was one phase I didn't like how I look, how my body was. To be able to overcome such a negativity that I had, is probably one of my biggest achievement. Back then, I didn't tell anyone, I just kept to myself because I was so embarrass about that. 

Right now, I am a working progress. I'm accepting what I have, working toward more positivity than things that I can't change, because I am perfectly imperfect this way. 

Few months ago, I watched a trailer on Netflix youtube channel. To The Bone, starring Lily Collins and Keanu Reeves. The trailer was pretty self explanatory at that time but what made me really interested and looked forward was how true the story was since the beginning. There are so many times we've been fooled by movie trailers (not gonna talk about that, so upsetting) but I knew this trailer was not. 

There were conversation about this movie - pro and contra, how people were looking forward because "it looks promising" and the fact that the writer and director, Marti Noxon and Lily herself are both have the same experience about eating disorder in the past and they wanted to share this story to the world. But of course, some people were worried and even upset for no reason (because the movie hadn't come out yet) said that this movie would glamorizing eating disorder just like the others. 

I am not a person who believe what people say unless I see it myself. So here's my honest thought. 


Wednesday, July 12, 2017

This morning, I wake up feeling different. It was a fine Wednesday morning on 06.10 am, the sun rose, bright and beautiful. The clean air gathered around me as I opened up my windows. My room still smelled like fresh cotton sheets and baby powder because I lighted my candle last night. I still on my months off of college. What was so different? 

Oh. Last night, I made a decision. A decision that would probably change a part of my life. One thought, one decision to all of my decisions. 

I decided to let go

It was hard, like really hard pain in the ass. It is still hard. I cried so much last night, but as I finished crying my eye balls out, I smiled. I felt like... tons of weight on my shoulders were being taken and I felt free. 

God, I feel free.

Today, I embrace the memories of my past. I will never forget all those memories - it made me smile once, it made me cried once. Now, it makes me feel grateful to have those as part of my journey. I feel both blessed and grateful with all life has given to me, and I'm excited for what life will gives me in the future. 

It takes courage to let yourself trying and fighting for what you think the best for you. It also takes lots of courage to let go. 

I am fully aware that I did the best as I could at that time, it wasn't my loss because I did trying and trying and trying to understand the circumstances, the feelings, the future, the consequences. Now, I'm ready to let go.

As I clear my heart and my mind, I clear my future road ahead for miracles and happy surprises as well. I am so proud of myself for being brave enough to let go one thing that used to make my heart bloom and also tearing it apart. I'm proud to be me. I'm proud of what I believe.

Never feel sorry to make yourself and your life better. It's yours, so the decisions are also yours. 

Live and love your life, xx.